Ok, I only attended the event because I happened to be in the bookstore at the time. I detest tell-all books. But I’m glad I stayed because I witnessed a valuable lesson on what not to do.

The premise, as I said, was to expose the Great Lie of this couple’s happiness. She ran into big trouble at the very beginning by saying that not all couples get along, and no relationship is a bed of roses…after all, her mother didn’t talk to her father for three days after letting the dog poop in the house. So, marital un-bliss happens. No big deal.

And that’s the way I felt about her book. No. Big. Deal. She shot down the very elements that make her book a saucy tell-all for those who get into that kind of thing.

If you’re going to promote your book, you have to support your thesis by saying, “Oh, the lamps flew, the screeching matches shattered windows, the public shows of affection were a crock…”

That is how you get people excited. You don’t normalize the situation and say it’s no big deal. She sold one book…to her mother.

People buy books because they are interested in learning more about the story inside. If an author trivializes that story in a sudden fit of humility, then book sales are going to plummet. You have to remember WHY you wrote the book. What was your message? What was the point?

These are exactly the things this author forgot. Ironically enough, I saw her on a major morning show, and she did the same damn thing. The hosts were gobsmacked and were trying desperately to squeeze some blood out of the turnip by asking about the couple’s problems, and at every turn, the author would dilute the problems by saying, “ah, these things happen with any couple.”

Thud.

Had I been her publicist or editor, I would have tossed myself under a garbage truck and hoped for a quick, painless demise.

And, of course, this one…which has always cracked me up…(hanks, Duff)

I love this because it’s simplistically brilliant and sage. I bagged it off one of my author’s manuscripts that I’m editing. It resonates because I see so many authors, excited by a story, sit down to write…only to finish and begin bumping into walls. Many of those walls are filled with publishers who don’t provide authors what they’d hoped for.

And this is because those authors haven’t created a plan and became a part of someone else’s…like an inferior publisher, or crummy agent.

Dear, dear authors, you MUST have a plan for your literary career. And I’m not talking about the one where you sell your book for a gabajillion dollars, buy Hawaii, and sip margaritas all day long while cabana men peel you grapes and tell you how utterly brilliant and beautiful you are.

No. The plan I’m talking about focuses on researching the industry (I hear The Writer’s Essential Tackle Box is a stellar choice) so you have enough information that allows you to make informed choices. There has to be a reason why you query those particular agents, or those particular editors. Authors who send me cookbook or fiction queries don’t have a plan. They’re little pinball machines that bump up against any agent or editor that happens to be in their current field of vision. And that can spell disaster for you and your book if one of those are scams.

Don’t be a part of someone else’s plan. Have your own. That’s the only way you can publish on your own terms. And who knows…maybe you will buy Hawaii…

But here’s the catch:  I gotta read it first.

This takes time because your proposal isn’t the only one sitting in my Submissions folder. Right now I’m sitting on fourteen fulls that need to be read and analyzed, and my mouth is watering at the prospect of every single one. If all I did was read, I’d have been up to date ages ago. But my days are filled with a myriad of things, so I have to adhere to a pretty strict schedule.

So it makes my teeth itch when you write me after one week, asking if I’ve had a chance to read your full. The answer is no. Unless I’m having an usually empty week, which has yet to happen over eight years, then you can count on waiting.

I know. It sucks stale Twinkie cream. You hurried to bang out a fabulous proposal and send me your chapters, and what ho? You gotta wait?

Yes, my darlings, you have to wait. I’m sorry it has to work this way, but editors still have to do things the old-fashioned way by reading what you send. My days are filled with a million things that don’t include reading submissions, so it’s a balancing act as to what gets my attention on any particular day.

The standard waiting period before sending a nagmail is three months. I know…that’s a long time to wait, and I try very hard not to let that happen because I want to be the first to offer a contract if your story is fabulous. If I wait, then I may lose out to another editor…which has happened twice on books that really hurt to lose.

So here are a few words to the wise:  If you’re working on your platform by granting interviews, then be careful about what you say with respect to a contract deal. I’ve seen interviews where the author said they had a book coming out, yet no contract had even been offered.

First off, it’s not a good idea to stretch the truth to its breaking point because it makes you look really silly if you’re found out.

Secondly, stating that you have a book coming out when you don’t adds an extra monkey to your back. You fibbered, so now you’re even more invested in seeing that hurry-up-and-wait turn into a book deal. Sometimes that leads authors to tell the submitting editor about what they told the interviewer. All I can say is it ain’t my problem.

I do understand that you’re anxious, but I have a lot on my plate at all times. All editors do. We can’t shoulder the burden of whatever you may have said or done in establishing your platform. Giving me the bum’s rush doesn’t prod me into shoving aside whatever I’m currently working on. It’s like literary bug repellant…especially if you’re asking me after ONE WEEK.

If you remember that your manuscript is one of many, maybe it will invite a bit of empathy on your part. I know it may seem that we take way too much time reading, considering, analyzing, and discussing a potential project, but we’re spending a bucket of money, so we have to feel confident. And we have to do that with ALL the submissions we read, and you can’t rush that.

What is that great saying…The hurrider I go, the behinder I get.

So thank you for not rushing me.

Blah. Who ever found success by saying “I can’t”? Give it your all and don’t give up. Ever. And remember that when you do give up, you’re giving up on yourself. Go. Write. Be brilliant and never ever say “I can’t.” It may not be exactly what you hoped or imagined, but you can do it. Whatever it is.

And you know what? That is exactly why we publish the books we do. None of our writers ever said “I can’t.” You can see that in the fabulous stories they tell. They faced adversity in the eye and said, “Screw you, I’m not going home and climbing under the covers.” So go out and embrace your fabulosity.

I can finish my manuscript.
I can publish your book on time.
I can find my writer’s voice.
I can have the publishing contract I want.
I can continue to do my job, regardless of what’s going on in my personal life.

Life is meant to be lived, not a collection of excuses – so go out there and kick ass.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"

I’ve read a number of posts and articles that insist trade publishers are “frightened” or “worried” about the boon in self-publishing because it will dilute our ability to get great books. As one who does this for a living, I couldn’t disagree more. For one thing, there will always be writers who desire trade publishing for the advantages it offers – of which there are many.

Authors, like bellybuttons, are different, and for that reason, there will never be a shortage of excellent books for trade publishers. There are big advantages of trade publishing that few can attain by self-publishing. Conversely, there are big possibilities for the self-publisher, provided they know how to market and promote their heads off.

That said, I’m of a mind that change is good because it gets the blood circulating and the brain firing up ways to remain relevant. And this is where I really appreciate the self publishers because many of them are publishing genres or storylines that trade publishers have avoided due to a perceived (or proven) lack of audience.

There have been plenty times when I loved a story but worried there wasn’t a big enough audience for the subject matter. However, if I saw that particular storyline getting lots of attention, I would have more confidence to to accept those types of stories. I see this as the counterpunch to the complaint we often hear about how publishers keep a thumb on what books are published.

That complaint always struck me as illogical. What’s in it for publishers to keep an artificial lid on what they publish? We’re in this biz to make money, so if the public begins screaming for storylines about margarita-guzzling beagles who sleep on editors’ desks instead of working, then they’ll darn well put their energies into finding those kinds of books.

The problem is that publishing is expensive, so we need to go with what we know sells, and this makes it harder to consider stories outside the norm. But self publishing has solved that problem, and it becomes easier for us to take readers’ literary temperature to see how tastes are changing, which allows us to evolve as well.

If you have a book that falls outside the box of what trade publishers normally accept, maybe DIY is your best bet. However, if you’re gonna do it right (write?), then learn all you need to know about promotion, marketing, finding an audience…and for goodness sake, buy a copy or e-book of The Writer’s Essential Tackle Box.

"Please join me..."

…I’ll be giving an online class in mid-February titled Agents/Editors: We Don’t Bite…Much. Those lovelies over at Romance Writers of America/Fantasy, Futuristic, and Paranormal Chapter have asked me to do a two-week online class that covers the gamut of publishing. The thing that I love about online classes is that you don’t have to take stringent notes…it’s all there for you to place under your pillow and dream writerly dreams of brilliance and success.

So join us for some madness ’cause I don’t bite…much.

Punctuation: I blame the cavemen

It’s no secret that punctuation has been given the limelight for far too long. The story goes that ‘way back in caveman days, there was a tribe called The Protruding Forehead Society. They dodged dinosaurs in order to travel to distant caves and tell their stories by drawing on the walls, using their wives’ eyeshadow. Problem was, no one knew where to put a full stop. After all, it gets confusing to draw “Gargon forage through the bushes I ate his  twigs and berries.” Makes no sense.

And thusly, punctuation was born. To give that punctuation more importance, The Protruding Forehead Society spaced out two hand widths before starting a new drawing. Cool for cave dwellers and my Sophomore typing class. Not so cool for publishing. Those two spaces add up in a manuscript, so publishing dropped it down to one space.

Got that? ONE SPACE.

Anything that goes at the end of a sentence – periods, question marks, exclamation points – get ONE SPACE. And that goes for you outerspace aliens, how insist on two spaces after Zorbots. No more trying to pull a fast one. Aliens…so cheeky.

Now, will I melt into a puddle of soulless goo if I get a manuscript with two spaces after punctuation? No, but I’ll be sure to up my gin intake and order the beagle to belt out a few old Three Dog Night songs.

Dialog, one line below is a no-go (when using a lead-in sentence)

Yah, schlocky header, but I hope to make it dumb enough that it’ll stick. Many authors have no idea where to put dialog, meaning what line to put it on. They write the lead-in sentence, then put the actual dialog below. Like this:

Overworked and Underpaid Editor looked at the beagle sitting on her desk, sleeping in a swatch of sunlight, and made an unsuccessful attempt at holding her temper.

“I thought I told you to quit lazing around and file those contracts.”

What this does is confuse the reader as to who is talking. The reason for formatting and punctuation is to make things easier for the reader. This is why I see great balls of fire that many editors are dropping commas for the sake of…well, I don’t know. It’s stupid and forces me to re-read sentences a couple of times to make sure I understood the sentence. But that’s a rant for another day.

The proper way to format your dialog is to keep your dialog on the same line as your lead-in sentence.

Overworked and Underpaid Editor looked at the beagle sitting on her desk, sleeping in a swatch of sunlight, and made an unsuccessful attempt at holding her temper. “I thought I told you to quit lazing around and file those contracts.”

And speaking of lead-in sentences, they can be much more effective than using dialog tags because you can squeeze in all kinds of cool stuff that sets up the tone of the person speaking and the action taking place. I could have just as easily written, “I thought I told you to quit lazing around and file those contracts,” said Overworked and Underpaid Editor,” but it doesn’t begin to have the same zing.

Consider lead-in sentences your ally against boring writing.

Quotation marks (and commas)

Many writers don’t know how to play nicely with quotation marks and comma placement. I know it’s different in the UK, but in the US, the comma is placed INSIDE the closing quote – not outside. Here’s what I mean:

The Wrong Way:
“Let’s have a pitcher of margaritas to celebrate a good day of editing”, Overworked and Underpaid Editor said.

The Right Way:
“Let’s have a pitcher of margaritas to celebrate a good day of editing,” Overworked and Underpaid Editor said.

Sure, I can easily do the universal Search and Kill, but as writers you should know how to properly format your manuscript. After all, you’re professionals, right? So it makes sense to know the tools of your trade.

Possessive Apostrophes on names ending in ‘s’

In publishing, it’s common to add an extra ‘s’ when showing possession to someone whose name ends with an ‘s’.

I knew that gorgeous Mercedes was Mr. Jones’s, but I was feeling a bit klepto that day and bagged it for a joy ride.

Excluding the ‘s’ won’t put you behind bars – unlike the unfortunate soul in the sentence above – but it forces your editor to fix it. Remember, the idea is to turn in a clean manuscript so your editor will love you forever and shower you with lots of royalty checks.

Beginning your sentences with But, So, And

I see this a lot…sentences that begin with these seemingly-innocent words. If it’s in the right context, bravo, I say. However, they don’t wear big enough pants to deserve a comma.

Wrong:
So, I decided the beagle had drunk quite enough, and put her to bed with aspirin and Gatorade.

Right:
So I decided the beagle had drunk quite enough, and put her to bed with aspirin and Gatorade.

See? No comma. And sure, I can use my universal Search and Kill to wipe the beggars out, but we’re learning how to keep editors from binging on too many Twinkies and margaritas.

It was the ’80s, man…

Contractions in dialog – keepin’ it real

Okay this isn’t a formatting thing, but this really bugs me, so I’m including it.

Dialog is meant to be conversational, right? So unless your dialog is from aliens (from this planet our outside our solar system), then it’s standard that we speak using contractions. You don’t say to your best friend, “I will not be going to your party tonight.” Of course not. You’d say, “Dude, I’m not going to your party tonight.”

See how the dialog comes out feeling stilted and formal? It’ll drive an editor nutsy because she’s going to fling the manuscript back to you with a bloody red mark that says “USE CONTRACTIONS, OR DIE.” Ok, maybe she won’t say that, but she’ll think it.

Formatting your manuscript – use tabs, and a kitten gets it

Standard manuscript formatting is half inch indents, double space, Times New Roman, 12 point, 1″ margins. Easy peasy, right? Well…I’ve seen a lot of manuscripts where the author used tabs to indent a new paragraph instead of formatting it. This makes it a PITA for the editor because she has to reformat your manuscript. Sometimes there are some kinks in the works due to the tabs, and it can add arbitrary spacing, which means the only way to make sure I got them all is to check each paragraph. My teeth have been ground down to a stub doing this because it takes a lot of time to seek and destroy.

So I give you my last warning – If you use tabs instead of formatting the indents in the paragraph settings, a kitten gets it. For those who don’t know what I mean by formatting in the Paragraph tab, here is a screen capture:

Click to enlarge

I’ve overheard any number of wine-induced conversations at writer’s conferences that go something like this: “I’m the writer, so it’s not my job to worry about the nitpicky stuff like formatting. The editor will take care of it in editing.”

Given that logic, should a surgeon not worry about how to close a surgical wound? You either embrace the responsibilities of the profession, or you go home and raise albino caterpillars. Proper formatting isn’t hard. I’ve heard people complain they can’t adhere to the one-space rule for punctuation because two spaces is second nature to them. My advice? Get over it. The publishing industry is filled with writers aching to be published, so excuses are feeble.

Now, go forth and be brilliant.