So after long deliberation that involved a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and stale Twinkies, we finally decided to bite the bullet and turn Behler Publications into a vanity press. Profits have tanked, distribution is a farce, bookstores suck stale Hostess Ho-Ho cream, and we’re simply tired of taking all the financial risk. So, we’re now a vanity press.
Our low-end packages start at $12,987 and includes a quick rinse and spin of your manuscript through Spellcheck and a promise to never interfere with your authorial voice. If it’s your intent to sound like a goat high on life, then who are we to argue? If your characters are flatter than my last baking attempt, I say bully! Not everyone has that kind of courage and, by golly, we should just get out of your way.
But I do want everyone to know that unlike other vanity presses, we have hired our own in-house distribution team. Everyone, meet Skeezix, Bubba, and Bert. So far, they’ve gotten our first titles shelved on the bathroom shelves in every Walmart from here to Kansas.
We also have scheduled author events at many of the pristine truck stops that populate our nation’s freeways. In fact, next week, fans will be able to attend the signing of Bessie Klingsheets‘ two new books, Don’t Let the Door Hit You on the Ass on Your Way Out and May You Rot in Hell. She will have a table set up next to the propane tanks, opposite the showers. Please be on time, as she doesn’t want to rearrange her appointment with her therapist.
So there you have it, folks. We’ve decided that if we can’t beat ’em, we may as well join ’em. In fact we…whazzat, beagle? The calendar? What of it? Oh, you think people know what day it is? So what? It’s all a coincidence, I tell you…