Decisions decisions

So after long deliberation that involved a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and stale Twinkies, we finally decided to bite the bullet and turn Behler Publications into a vanity press. Profits have tanked, distribution is a farce, bookstores suck stale Hostess Ho-Ho cream, and we’re simply tired of taking all the financial risk. So, we’re now a vanity press.

Our low-end packages start at $12,987 and includes a quick rinse and spin of your manuscript through Spellcheck and a promise to never interfere with your authorial voice. If it’s your intent to sound like a goat high on life, then who are we to argue? If your characters are flatter than my last baking attempt, I say bully! Not everyone has that kind of courage and, by golly, we should just get out of your way.

But I do want everyone to know that unlike other vanity presses, we have hired our own in-house distribution team. Everyone, meet Skeezix, Bubba, and Bert. So far, they’ve gotten our first titles shelved on the bathroom shelves in every Walmart from here to Kansas.

We also have scheduled author events at many of the pristine truck stops that populate our nation’s freeways. In fact, next week, fans will be able to attend the signing of Bessie Klingsheetstwo new books, Don’t Let the Door Hit You on the Ass on Your Way Out and May You Rot in Hell. She will have a table set up next to the propane tanks, opposite the showers. Please be on time, as she doesn’t want to rearrange her appointment with her therapist.

So there you have it, folks. We’ve decided that if we can’t beat ’em, we may as well join ’em. In fact we…whazzat, beagle? The calendar? What of it? Oh, you think people know what day it is? So what? It’s all a coincidence, I tell you…

15 Responses to Decisions decisions

  1. catwoods says:

    LOL! And here I was ready to sign. What I fool I was.

  2. Mick Rooney says:

    Who do I make the cheque out to?!!

  3. Polly Dunn says:

    I was torn between the anguish that you had feet of clay and wondering where I could borrow $12985 dollars (tomorrow is payday, so I should have $2 already)…Happy April 1st…fooled me and I am glad it’s just a prank.

  4. Mick, Cat, make your checks out to The Beagle. Rumor is she has a trip planned to Majorca and is short on funds.

  5. You had me for about 15 seconds. I almost devoured a dish of jelly beans to deal with shock, when I remembered the date. Jelly beans remain on the table. My fight-or-flight-or eat jelly beans reaction is calmed. You have not gone vanity. The sun is coming out and all’s right with the world.

    Does this mean I really don’t get to meet Skeezix, Bubba and Bert?

  6. Sign me up!

    I’ll be paying with a check(que) drawn on a Nigerian bank, but don’t worry, it’s covered, because my father was a general who was murdered by the regime but not before he deposited a gazillion dollars under my name.

  7. Bill Webb says:

    Lynn, I knew you were funn’n the firstline, but you know, don’t hold back, tell us how you really feel. 🙂

  8. Ah, Worldie, you know me too well…

  9. I bet this was one of the beagle’s bright ideas? Give that dog another margarita for her comedy value.

  10. ROFL! My eyes tried to pop out of my head at the words “vanity press,” but then I remembered the date. Well done!

  11. Aston West says:

    Come on…you have to make it believable at least. 😛

    Which is why I didn’t go public with my plan to admit defeat and decide to get out of writing forever, giving everyone one last glimpse of Aston in his final short story.

    No one would have believed it…

  12. TB says:

    That was hilarious, but when I thought about it, I’d be pretty damn glad to get my book set out on bathroom shelves in every Walmart in the country! You gotta admit, that’s exposure, and in an environment where people will grab almost ANYTHING and read it!

    “Holy cow, I’m done and I gotta see how this ends! Where’s my credit card?”

    When somebody makes a million bucks marketing books in bathroom reading racks, remember where you read it first!

  13. CarolRose says:

    Bessie stole my titles!! I”m off to scour the Pilots, looking for her table next to the propane tanks. She’s in BIG trouble. 😉

    GREAT April Fool joke, Lynn!!

  14. Cat says:

    Ah ’tis a purrty it is now the 2nd of Apurril I had a good rumbling purr over this one too.

  15. GutsyWriter says:

    I’ve been trying to sign up with you, but according to Topeka, you don’t exist.

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