Seems I fooled no one with my announcement that we’d gone vanity. I was a bit nervous about being too convincing, as that sort of thing can travel faster than the beagle hot on the trail of an unopened bottle of tequila. Sadly, this post is all too true…
Some folks call themselves publishers, but what they really are is marketing machines to you…the author. This is akin to looking down the barrel of your own gun and squeezing the trigger. Here’s the latest attempt at promotion designed to separate you from your money – in a shameful display of igniting hope within the hearts of those who really oughta know better.
I’manidiotPublisher will submit your book to Regis and Kelly!
Many of you have seen authors appear on one of America’s top-three daytime TV shows, Live with Regis and Kelly. Famous and not so famous. Ever wondered, how is their book any better than mine? The answer is, it probably isn’t.
I’manidiotPublisher will submit your book to Live with Regis and Kelly. We will send your book to Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa’s staff for their consideration, several copies, so that more than one producer gets a chance to read your work and recommend you for an interview!
We’re not waiting for Regis or Kelly’s producers to ask for your book. [bolding mine] We’re donating it to them. And we will let your local newspaper, radio, or TV know that your book is being submitted to Live with Regis and Kelly. So they can put a spotlight on you as a local author.
Here’s how we do it:
If you want to have books on hand, order now, and we will donate up to five copies to Live with Regis and Kelly. And you receive a 50 (that’s FIFTY) pct discount!
The books for Regis and Kelly will ship to New York shortly after you receive your own copies, for consideration at their staff’s discretion.
Minimum volume is 9 copies.
Isn’t this lovely? I guess they had such a fabulous turnout when they offered to send a copy to Sandra Bullock, who is knee-deep in dealing with a philandering toolbox of a husband who has a penchant for silicone lungs and tattoos, that they decided to spam “donate” books to Regis and Kelly. Not for one minute will their producers look at these “donations.” They’ll simply go into the recycle bin – or maybe they have a team of beagles who love to rip things to shreds.
For starters, anyone submitting to TV shows need to submit a full media kit to the producer. It’s a drunkard’s folly to think that I’manidiotPublisher will take the time to write a tip sheet and cover letter on their victims authors’ behalf. More than likely they’ll simply box up the lot of the books into one box and send it, thus satisfying the spirit of their half-baked promise.
Folks, don’t be fooled when you see stuff like this. A real publisher won’t blackmail you into buying your own books [at inflated prices] so you can get a book sent out to someone. Real publishers send out books to media all the time in order to generate interest. These yahoos, OTOH, don’t get their books into the store shelves, so their primary marketplace is their own victims authors, and they’ll stop at nothing to pimp themselves into your wallet. Sadly, it’s quite effective because there’s a sucker born every minute, or more likely, a thousand suckers born every minute.
Resistance is not futile. Learn the industry so you can separate the skanks from the real kahuna. Otherwise, you’ll be like all the other sheeple, standing in line to hand over your hard-earned dollars so that you may have your book sent to Regis and Kelly.
‘Scuse me…I feel the sudden need for an antacid.