What gives here? Does no one read anymore?

I’m not sure if it’s the Christmas season that has people in a bigger rush than normal, but since my entering the hospital last Tuesday to coming home on Thursday, I’ve received NOT. A. SINGLE. PROPER. QUERY.

No, I don’t mean they’re poorly written, they aren’t anywhere close to my zipcode – meaning nonfiction/memoir/biography. I received a 325,000 fiction novel – instantly deleted, historical fiction – also instantly deleted, romance, paranormal romance, young adult, and fantasy.

I’m starting to get a bit cheesed off (for which I could blame the Vicodin, except I quit taking it) because I’ve never seen such a huge clump of silliness. I’ll admit that I don’t suffer fools well and tend to let my impatience get the better of me, but this is over the top. In my relative infirmity, am I channeling my inner hose baggery because even a spec of navel lint is currently more active?

It’s not like my submission guidelines aren’t prominently displayed, so what is it? Chutzpah or the elusive Missing Brain Syndrome? I have had plenty queries that start out with, “I know you don’t publish YA paranormal romance murder mystery historical fiction, but I’m taking the chance you’ll be so wowed with my writing that you’ll reach for a contract.”

Dude. Really?

Only thing I’ll reach for is Pepsid.

I know this is the season to be more charitable, but isn’t this also the season to be mindful? After all, I’ll toss the offending query and say rude things about the author’s lack of reading comprehension. OTOH, the author will awaken the next day and be just as clueless as they were the day before. And the day before that.

And sure, it’s irksome for me because I open each query with a sense of anticipation and excitement. Will this be “the one”? And instead, I match growls with the beagle and hit the Delete button. Since there are a finite number of hours in a day, I get a case of cranky pants over having my time wasted. Likewise, I would think these authors wouldn’t get a thrill up their leg over wasting their own time, either.

One went so far as to contact me a month later, which was this past Friday, to inquire if I’d read their paranormal romance query. I deleted it, unanswered. They called me. CALLED ME. They were pretty snippy about it, too. “I queried you, I emailed you, and nothing. How RUDE!” Ok, I admit that I had popped my last Vicodin and my patience wasn’t where it could have been, but I gritted my teeth and asked if they’d taken the opportunity to read our submission guidelines.


“Sub-miss-ion guide-lines,” I repeated very slowly.

Click. *facepalm*

So how ’bout you? Have you experienced a continued irritant that makes you want to climb on top of a bar stool and scream, “What the h-e-double hockey sticks are you thinking?”

13 Responses to What gives here? Does no one read anymore?

  1. ludmilla bollow says:

    Lynne– Missed your daily blog, and glad to hear you’re back online ranting about submissions– that means you’re feeling better?? Anyway we hope so, and you keep off the Vicodin. What irritates us? Many things, but I go on the adage “this too shall pass”, and even my computer meltdown is slowly evaporating.

    I’m reading Kris’s “THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES” and my life is so calm compared to hers. Can’t wait to finish the wonderful read.

    Have better days ahead — Ludmilla

  2. You mean *Kim’s* The Next 15 Minutes? Hee…lest anyone believe my cylinders aren’t all firing…

  3. Aston West says:

    Could be all those brand-new authors who just finished their Nano novel and were sending it out post-haste to cash in on their inevitable glory… 🙂

  4. Ohhhh…I hadn’t considered that. You could be right. Meh.

  5. tbrosz says:

    Darn. Does this mean you don’t want to see my 600-page pop-up illustrated children’s book of Moby Dick?

    Each book is actually its own floor display!

  6. Well I had worked out that I lived in the wrong part of the world and wrote the wrong sort of books but if you really want to read something I can always send it to you. 🙂

  7. Lev Raphael says:

    Lynn, I’ve just written a thriller about a drugged-up recently operated-on publisher who goes berserk and rampages around the country killing people who sent her queries for books she would never publish. Turns out the senders were all part of a terror cell trying to destabilize American publishing! She wins an honorary Pulitzer and is given the Congressional Medal of Honor. I think of it as crime/fantasy/romance. It’s right up your alley.

  8. Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear that. I was just about to pick up the phone and call you about the poetry book I wrote for people to read to their dogs so they sleep better in their crates….

  9. levraphael says:

    Donna, that is so cool people are sleeping in crates to share their dogs’ experiential world. Wait, did I miss something?

  10. LaurenLauren says:

    Lev, I hope that crime/fantasy/romance is at least 734,289 words. Cause it has to meet her minimum word count, yanno?


    HI, Lynn. Welcome back.

  11. Sillies. I have sillies who read my blog. That’s it, you wisenheimers, time for a nap.

  12. Bill Webb says:

    After yoou wake up from teh nap, I think you’ll lurve this.

    I got me an autibiography written by my neighbor and set in the future All true, and has social implications – I know you lurve socialistic novelltes – because it involves a lot of parties. It’s called…A Beagle on Vicodin.

  13. Becky Mushko says:

    On the “Writing Tip of the Day,” which I see on some writers’ websites (and which I occasionally make fun of on Facebook because these tips are so, well, weird), the advice for today was “As a book author, it’s your responsibility to cast a vision for your book about the length and the appearance before you pitch the idea to the publisher.”

    Therefore, I visualize my feline steampunk pirate mystery adventure travelogue, “CATastrophes” (about my cats as seen from the border collie’s viewpoint and not actually begun yet, just visualized) as a scroll of approximately 573.2 feet long in 14-point Comic Sans font except for chapter headings that will be in 24-point Papyrus unless you can get each scroll hand-copied by monks. You can do that, right?

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