While Kim Kircher, author extraordinaire of The Next 15 Minutes is giving excellent advice on her blog about conquering holiday stress 15 minutes at a time, I’ve decided to go in the opposite direction and embrace my inner piglet:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare… You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. Hello?! The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. (Unless you’ve had a new hip installed. Then you must exercise every damn day)

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips, and remember this motto:  “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Life is short. Drink the good wine first.

I must say that whoever originally wrote this had my best interests at heart.


  1. D.J. Kirkby says:

    Lol, I love this. My aunt sent it to me and I have always found her advice to be sound 🙂

  2. Irene says:

    That’s it! The holiday season is now open, with your words of wisdom! Thank you!

  3. authorguy says:

    My son makes his own eggnog, we have a gallon jug in the fridge. People have this strange idea that so many common foods are hard to make, but they’re not. The people who make them and sell them to you want you to believe that but it isn’t true.

  4. Mark says:

    My favorite is #10. Now, *that’s* the way to go out… must begin training…

    Merry Christmas to one and all:)

  5. Louise Curtis says:

    #5 Go ahead and have a snack before the party, but make sure it’s chocolate or similar, so the initial high of your arrival quickly devolves into a sugar and/or caffeine crash. Solve sugar crash with more sugar.

  6. Lorelei says:

    You are my personal hero.

  7. hollyyoumans says:

    Love this post! I read it to my husband and we both had a good laugh.

  8. Kim Kircher says:

    Yes. Definitely drink the good wine first!

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