Queries: Be the Coach Purse

It’s a small thing, I suppose, this ranty McRant of mine. I mean, it won’t cure world hunger or lower taxes. But it may…MAY…prevent soulless editors from rolling their eyes. What am I talking about? The maddening manner in which too many authors open their query letters with The Hypothetical Question(s).

  • Have you ever been trimming your toenail cuticles and wondered what it would be like to be confined to a wheelchair? No. Actually, all I’m trying to accomplish is achieving comfy toesie status. I’m shallow that way.
  • Have you ever sat in a bar and wondered what it would be like to dance on the bartop? Um. Yes. I’m equally shallow that way.
  • Have you ever sat in traffic and wondered what it would be like to have a giant skiploader clear out all the cars? Please. I’m from California. Traffic has been elevated to a fine art.

What’s really going on with these hypothetical questions is that you’ve taken me out of your query and into my own inner dialog. You want to avoid this. At. All. Costs.

And it’s simply annoying to boot. Rather than asking me questions that are sure to draw answers infinitely different from your story, simply start your query out with a statement that draws out the set up in one easy peasy slice.

  • While in the throes of trimming his toenail cuticles, Karl sliced too deeply, drawing enough blood to fill a thimble. Damn, he thought, I’ll have to wrap the toe, which will make my shoes tight, which will make me limp all day long. Upon reflection, limping would have been a fair trade-off for what Alice, his wife, had to endure every day. Life in a wheelchair…

See how much more engaging this beginning is than a hypothetical question? The author immediately sets the stage to engage me – soulless editor – to what the story is about. Not only am I getting a bit of thought process from the protagonist, but also his sense of shame for his minor inconvenience, and empathy.

This is how you pull someone into your web…like the adorably tempting Coach purse sitting in the store window. Come to Mama! Conversely, Hypothetical Questions are the icky, gluey seepage that traps victims in, just like a stinkin’ spider so they can bite the crap out of you. Don’t be a stinkin’ spider by taking the easy way out with a Hypothetical Question. This is your time to show your talent. Be the Coach purse.

2 Responses to Queries: Be the Coach Purse

  1. J.S.Pitts says:

    Wonderfully analogous post. I don’t think I will ever look at a Coach purse the same.

  2. Lynn, that is the best query advice I’ve ever seen online. Thanks!
    Also works when writing ad copy and sending tweets!

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