It doesn’t pay to turn my back

October 18, 2008

Okay, so the beagle is reading the Water Cooler. Normally it’s porn.
And she should be filing.


A right way and a wrong way

September 9, 2008

This is not an effective or recommended way to open your query: “I propose that you acquire My Brilliant Novel.” Propose? I can’t help but feel I’m being commanded to do something. Hey, who’s running this insane asylum anyway? Me or you? It reminds me of the time my mom had me front and center as I’m trying to bug out the door to school wearing my skirt rolled up, which drove her insane. “I propose that you roll your skirt right back down where it belongs, missy.”

Nor is it a good idea to tell me that your work is nonfiction, but you’re more than amenable to make it fiction. It’s either one or the other. I can see the editing process unfold before me. “I can either rewrite this first line or the entire paragraph. No. Wait. I can rewrite the entire page. How ‘bout the entire chapter? The book?” It takes me back when I blew in way past curfew back in high school and tried to placate Mom by offering to do the dishes so she wouldn’t blow a ventricle. When her expression didn’t change, I offered to clean the bathrooms. Then the entire downstairs.

Ok, maybe I have issues…


The truth about publishing

August 17, 2008

We’ve been found out; the truth exposed. This is how publishing really works.


Writing a novel, a love story

July 29, 2008

Only a fellow writer can appreciate Libba Bray’s Writing a novel, a love story. I laughed so hard I passed a Twinkie through my nose.


Lynnfucious Say…

July 15, 2008

Never submit too early. Manuscript is like fine wine, young grasshopper. Let it age. If you come back to it after a month and it still sings, then send it to to agent or editor for much pleasure.


Say What?

June 26, 2008

Many times I read a sentence in a manuscript that’s confusing. I know what they’re trying to say, but they simply failed to say it. When writing, it’s imperative to make sure you’ve written so you readers understand you.

Take these Catholic elementary school kids, for instance, who answered test questions about the Old and New Testament. Clarity would have been key here, but this is so much cuter.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS

3 LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONEOFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


New perspective

June 24, 2008

I’ve decided that since I’m another year older that it’s time for a little payback. Meet my new mantra…

Live your life in such a way that
when your feet hit the floor in the
morning, Satan shudders and says…

“Oh shit…she’s awake!

*thanks Jean


Candle overload

June 23, 2008

Expect nothing useful out of me on Monday. It’s my birthday, I’m an old broad, and can be as big a slacker as I want. In fact, Tuesday could be iffy…


The smell of a new submission – relax, it’s not what you’re thinking

June 5, 2008

Whenever we get a new ARC (advanced reader copy) for one of our titles into the office, I stop everything and admire the birth of a new book. It’s a ritual with me; I touch the smoothness of the cover before opening the book to smell the pages, remembering every bit of the production process. It’s my final way of honoring a job well done before we scoot it out the door to the great wide world of reviewers, distributors, and buyers.

I get the same kind of googly over submissions, too. Works that have all the earmarks of brilliance get all my attention. I savor each word of the plot and development and stretch out the reading for hours by reading a page or two here, a page there. You know how you get brain freeze if you eat ice cream too fast? Reading a great submission too fast has the same effect. Taking it slow is my private way of tipping my red pen to genius. It just smells great, and I want to enjoy the bouquet.

Yeah, it’s sick, I know. I’m considering therapy


And speaking of swearing one last time…

May 28, 2008

Ayieee…let’s hope this little guy doesn’t start attacking books next.

For the record, my black heart is warmed at this kid’s efforts. Anyone ever listened to a teenage conversation lately? They can’t speak without every other word being the f-bomb. My mama always said that people who cussed had a limited vocabulary and were showing their ignorance. Fu&%in-A, Mom.


%d bloggers like this: