Comma: (slams down a half-full mug in a seedy bar that’s inside an equally seedy manuscript) Yessiree, now that I think about it, and that’s only because I’m half-tanked, this beer, even though it’s too warm, is the best I’ve had in a long time.
Exclamation Point: Oh! I love this beer! I haven’t had this since I was in college! We drank too much and got thrown out of the bar for dancing on the tables!
Ellipsis thought about the last time he’d had beer…and thought some more…realizing he was allergic to beer…made him turn green around his dots.
Adverb: This beer is so astoundingly horrible. It tastes amazingly like dirty sock water. How can you drink this achingly awful swill?
Em Dash: When I hold my glass—like so—I swear I can see tiny grains of sand floating around—
Cliché: You all are so, like, five minutes ago. You’re all three sheets to the wind, so I’m gonna make like a tree and leave.
Evil Editor: (bursting through the door) STOP! You’re all leaving. Now.
Em Dash: Why—don’t you love us anymore? I though we were friends—
Evil Editor: You all serve a purpose, but you need to be put on a serious diet. Punctuation sucks writers into taking shortcuts rather than relying on their writing. This results in dry or overwritten prose. Comma, four of you in one sentence is too much. They need to broken up into smaller sentences, and you need to make like Houdini and disappear.
Cliché: I heard that!
Evil Editor: Exclamation Point, you are a buzz kill because I see you all the time. We rely on you to signify excitement. But just like my box of Twinkies, if I see too much of you, I get sick of you because you’ve lost your importance. Adverb, you are a modifier on crack and the root of all overwriting. Whenever I see you and your best friend, Exclamation Point, in the same manuscript, I want to scream. You’re over the top. (Evil Editor casts a warning glance at Em Dash and Ellipsis, who are holding hands and trying to sneak out of the bar) Not so fast, you two.
Em Dash: Ahhh—
Ellipsis: We weren’t trying to sneak…
Evil Editor: You two are equally guilty in ruining good writing because of the tendency to overuse yourselves. Sure, sometimes dialog does need to be cut off or indicate two characters interrupting each other. When I see too much of you, then I know the writer is relying on you rather than writing a complete sentence. So gather up your things and hit the gym, you overweight punctuation nightmares. You are meant to make reading easier and clearer. You were never meant to take the place of writing.
If you want the inside scoop on what floats our boats, The Writer's Essential Tackle Box is a must have. Out in November 2009.
That. Was. Great.
(Takes a bow) I try
I’ve copied this into my notebook!!!!! Suberb – thank you…