Note to Noobs

bored
Just received in my inbox:

Those who missed out on “My First Unpublished Manuscript” are about to miss out on “My Next Never-To-Be-Pubbed Manuscript.” (Lynn: yes, indeed, I will miss out. It’s a chance I’m willing to take.)

Please read the manuscript for “My Next Never-To-Be-Pubbed Manuscript” and see for yourself that it would be a ground breaking novel. (Lynn: ah, go on with ya. Ground breaking? Really? Know how many times I see that?)

Synopsis
Bippity blah blah blah…

Please request to read the manuscript, and see for yourself. (Lynn: I think I’ll pass, thank you.)
My contact details are: Blippity blah blah blah…

Note to authors: This is noob, lazy whackadoddle stuff. This is not how to pitch or shop your work. Email blasts result in several things; none of them good. We talk about you in unflattering terms; the beagle gets involved, and the stories can get quite risque. And then we delete you after we’ve tired of making up terrible stories about you.  In fact, we delete you forever. With the click of my little wrist, this writer’s future emails will jet right on over to my Spam folder. You will never darken my inbox again because this stuff bores me to tears.

Hmmm…pissing off editors and agents…does this sound like a good idea?

Disclaimer: I’m not as horrible or scary as I sound. I just really hate seeing authors shoot themselves in the foot…

3 Responses to Note to Noobs

  1. Tara Maya says:

    The sad thing is most of those writers probably don’t really think that, or even want to write that, but they have it in their heads this is what a query letter needs to do to “get attention.”

    When I was in high school, and eagerly trying to sell my first masterpiece (cringe), I thought would read in Writer’s Market about the need to “grab” the attention of the agent or editor. Although the agents/editors would pleade, “no gimicks, just be professional,” since I wasn’t a professional, I had no idea how to do that. I thought Infomercial Style Hype *was* being professional.

    I also thought it would be a great idea to include illustrations of my characters with my query letter. (Double cringe). In those days, I didn’t know about agents, so I always queried those publishing houses kind enough to take unagented work.

    Eventually, through reading articles, and later, internet posts, such as this, I learned better.

    The noob I was thanks you for taking the time to give noobs everywhere the nudge they need. (Lynn: aw, thank you!)

  2. Tara Maya – your response is absolutely spot on. And it goes to the heart of the learning process of becoming publishable (leaving aside the writing of the right book ..). You’re right: you can’t really know until you start to listen and learn. In my dim and distant (thankfully) days of trying to get published, I did something much worse than including illustrations of my characters, by the way … Anyway, I wish more authors were like you and would read blogs like Lynn’s.

  3. lynnpricewrites says:

    I have to say that these email blasts are finding their way into my inbox with more frequency than ever before. It speaks to the desperation of the many authors out there who are seeking attention for their writing. It just hurts the heart on so many levels, and all I can do is nuke every one of them…after the beagle has had her way with them.

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