Seeing like a writer and gaining voice

February 28, 2010

Yah, I know that sounds strange, so let me explain. I see so many manuscripts that lack artistic flavor and have no voice. I’m not suggesting that every sentence be filled with poetic narrative, but some is nice because of the creative picture it places in the reader’s mind. If it’s creative, it’s memorable. If it’s memorable, it has voice.

Remember, we’re always skimming the shoreline for gifted writers, and I think colorful prose should be a part of every writer’s tackle box. For instance, you can say that it’s a cloudy day, or you can say that Mother Nature tripped and spilled a box of cotton balls across the sky.

Take a look at your writing. Are your descriptions ho hum everyday things, or do they have a bit of spice to them? Are you having a hard time thinking of solid similes or metaphors? This is when it helps to “see” like a writer – to interpret everyday life in a literary way.

For instance, it’s currently pouring outside, and as I look outside my dining room window, I see that everything is wet and drippy. Now, I could say that, and it’s descriptive enough. But I want to inject “voice” into my writing. So instead of wet and drippy, I use my literary vision and see drops of water clinging to the tree branches like tiny diamonds.

When I see cars trying to find a parking spot in a crowded lot, my literary vision sees armadillos scurrying about in search of their burrows. Yes, yes, Hemingway, it ain’t, but you get my drift.

This is the stuff that gives way to “voice.”

What’s voice got to do with the price of tea in China?

Okay, so voice has two meanings:

  • Voice is the style and quality that makes the writing unique, and gets across the author’s attitude and personality. What is meant by this is that the writer has a unique way of expressing themselves in the narrative. It’s the Mother Nature tripping and spilling a box of cotton balls across the sky. It’s the diamonds hanging from a tree branch. It’s what make people say, “I love how that Brilliant Author writes, so rich and full. It’s what makes readers remember you.
  • Voice is the speech and thought patterns of a character - and don’t let anyone tell you it’s first person only; that’s a load of bunk. This means that the characters have unique ways of looking at life and expressing themselves. It’s easiest to play with voice in the first person POV, but it’s just as easy in third person.

    My point here is that seeing like a writer adds that unique prose, that voice, that make editors jump on their desks and squeal like five-year-olds.

    Just because you’re not sitting at your computer writing doesn’t mean that the process stops. You can either watch birds fly around the trees, or you can see feathered balls of electricity  flit across the rooftops.

    Look at life through a writer’s prism. You just may see something far richer and more exciting than you did as a regular Joe.

    10 Comments | description, voice, writing | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    Sandy Saturday

    February 27, 2010

    This has squat all to do with writing, but it’s wonderful to honor someone’s talent – and that is something we can all relate to, right?

    *Thanks, Ludmilla!

    3 Comments | Uncategorized | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    Is your main character vanilla?

    February 26, 2010

    I’m not a fan of vanilla. To me, it’s the “safe” flavor, the flavor that gets picked because all the other choices seem too “out there.” Me? I’m a Bavarian chocolate mocha peppermint rocky road and pralines kinda gal. I like lots of flavor because it’s more interesting to me. Either that or I have unusual taste buds.

    Like my food, I like equally flavorful characters. I just finished reading a novel [pubbed by Simon & Schuster] whose main character was about as vanilla as they get. While she is going through some heady issues of feeling abandoned by her mother and realizing how this has shaped her life, her personality was as dry as my meatloaf.

    The author surrounded her Ms. Vanilla with rich, colorful characters, whom I found far more interesting. I kept wondering why on earth Mr. Hunky Doood – and all the other Hunky Dooods – would fall for her since she displayed as much personality as our Homecoming Queen in high school – an empty vessel of beauty and zero brains. I got to the point where I just wished for the book to end.

    Why her/him?

    Your main character is your main character for a reason, right? Presumably you love this character because they display some kind of trait that’s worthy of exploration. For instance, this MC went to another country for one reason and ended up reconciling her past. Cool, heady stuff. But the author forgot to make her endearing. I kept wondering what it was about this character that the author felt worth focusing on.

    It was like the author gave her all the right conflicts and a great setup, but she forgot to give her a personality. Because her supporting cast is so vibrant, the MC blends into the wall. Had she not occupied Lead Dog status, she would have stayed there.

    Main character status does not mean he/she gets a free pass to likeability any more than a cheeseball of a boss can demand respect. It must be earned. Why do we like your main character? Her/his internal dilemmas aren’t enough to engage us.

    Give ‘em a personality

    I had a friend back in college who, for years, I tried to like. She was a Steady Eddie type – dependable, caring, kind , and…just…there. She was so bland, so vanilla that, as nice as she was, I began to avoid her and bugger off to the library when I saw her coming. I felt like going to the Science Dept. and ordering up a freeze-dried personality that I could slip into her coffee. She had an interesting backstory, but geez, have a little spice. Please.

    What kind of personality do they have? Are they outgoing? Funny? Shy? Do they have a great quip to ease tense situations, or do they curl up into the fetal position? Are they angry? Aggressive? Think of the people who populate your dance card. Write down their personality traits and think about how you can paint your character’s blank canvas.

    But please, for the love of all that’s holy, do not make them flat, dull pieces of talking cardboard where all they do is react off their much richer counterparts. They MUST stand out.

    Think logically - cause and effect

    There is absolutely no excuse for your MC being devoid of a personality. You are the creator – you are your own Literary Cosmic Muffin. Oh, the power! Think logically – heh, my dad would laugh himself into a coma seeing me say that, since logic used to elude me much as the beagle eludes work. But I digress.

    If your main character is popular, or sought after, then there must be a logical reason why. Making them flat and lifeless isn’t logical because readers are hideously smart. First thing they’ll ask is why this MC is so…fill in the blank.

    It’s a case of cause and effect. If a character is respected, then she can’t be a dimwit who says, “yanno” a lot. Likewise, if a character is seen by his peers as dim bulb, then he can’t be Ivy League magna cum laude.

    In the book I just finished, the main character had all these lovely characters who love her and consider her a member of their family. I couldn’t help but wonder why. She had done nothing to deserve this honor. Her vanilla personality wasn’t endearing, exciting, or anyone I’d want to meet. So what did they see in her? There was no cause and effect going on, so it was an illogical disconnect.

    Readers will not go from Point A to Point B unless you lead them there.

    Avoid cliche

    Oboy. Is there anything we hate reading more than a cliche character? Why is it that every detective story is populated with a burnt out ex-cop, divorced, struggling with smoking or booze, down on his luck – or some flavor of this? Are there no happily married, well-adjusted detectives out there? I realize that we need to give the character some sort of inner conflict that usually coincides with whatever case he’s trying to solve, but geez, folks. We’re writers, so can’t we puhleeeze break the mold?

    And why is it that women’s fiction or romance invariably have a main character who’s a clutz? Oh yes, we use that affectation in order to meet Dreamy McHunky, and it’s supposed to make us laugh and love her all the more. “Oh look, isn’t she cute?” we all mutter. Bleh. Enough already. I’m tired of clumsy characters. Does no one know how to walk in romance or women’s fiction, or is this anomaly only appropriate in other genres?

    Ok, I’ll admit that I did manage to have my MC dump her dinner on my other MC’s leg, but that was the only clutzy thing she ever did, and it was only because she’d had too much champagne. This, I forgive. But to make her a Clumsy Clara throughout? It’s overdone. Move on, please.

    Good supporting cast - Literary Newtonian Law of Motion

    A good character needs an equally good supporting cast. Your characters are the vehicle which moves the plot. The more colorful your cast, the more engaged readers will become because they have dimension.

    I always harken back to John Lescroart – because I adore his books – and how he surrounds Dismas Hardy with a rich supporting cast. They allow Diz  “bounce-ability.” The supporting cast is his Literary Newtonian Law of Motion where every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It’s through his supporting cast that Diz’s personality shines through.

    That action/reaction comes through good interaction. The supporting cast is helpful in propping up the MC, while also helping to propel the plot. So much information and pertinent backstory can be divulged seamlessly and effortlessly through the supporting cast, so use them liberally and wisely. But don’t let them overpower your MC.

    I have no idea whether the author’s editor was asleep at the wheel or what, but remember: if we don’t like ‘em, we don’t care. You can have a rich inner conflict or the most amazing plot in the world, but if the characters are vanilla, we’ll throw the book across the room and order up a Bavarian chocolate mocha peppermint rocky road and pralines ice cream.

    9 Comments | character development | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    If you have an agenda, hide it, hem it, get rid of it

    February 25, 2010

    Janet Reid, who is wicked funny and wicked nice, has a post on her blog that showcases an author’s query letter, which turned out to be all political commentary and no substance. I know, you read it and are clucking your tongue like a chicken on speed. Me too. In this case, Janet was wicked arse-kicking. And with good reason.

    Thing is, we get these kinds of query letters from time to time, and it just begs for an eye roll. Yes, even at my age, I still roll my eyes.

    It’s one thing to be passionate about your writing – it’s what we count on. But it’s quite another to be so passionate that you degrade everyone who doesn’t think like you – and there are plenty, believe me – because you make yourself look like a whack job.

    We. Avoid. Whack. Jobs.

    Agenda vs Controversy

    There is a huge difference between controversy [which sells books] and an agenda [which just pisses people off].

    Agenda:

    • taking drugs is awesome for improving your writing and you’re an idiot if you don’t believe that;
    • all Catholics wear Army boots, you know it, we all know it – what the heck does that even mean?
    • Democrats/Republicans are the anti-Christ and if you’re [either one], you are the root of all evil;
    • all divorced mothers are shameless money grubbers because all women are man-haters; all divorced fathers are shiftless losers because men are basically swine in pants;
    • over-protective parents are lame brains and you’re doing nothing but turning your kids into indecisive mush;
    • gays are ruining the country and if you like gays, you’re a fool who’s helping destroy America;
    • any doctor who uses alternative medicine in their practice is a pathetic goat, and anyone who goes to these quacks shouldn’t be allowed to cross the street alone.

    Yes, these are pickings from my personal query pile that have come in over the years and every one of them make me sigh.

    See, an agenda is a provocative opinion that gets personal and takes over the tone of the query letter. Agenda queries poke me squarely in the eye by insisting that anyone who believes differently from the author is a moron. Whether my personal views agree with them or not, I dislike having my morality, faith, political persuasions, and social beliefs questioned by someone who doesn’t even know me.

    To presume to be the answer to these “burning” questions, frankly, scares the crap out of me. If you’re this loose a cannon in your query, what will you be like at an author event? I’ve seen and heard these types, and it’s far from pretty because it’s too easy to get them off track from fact to opinion without foundation. Is this an effective way to sell a manuscript?

    On the other hand, queries with controversial subjects focus on the topic, not blathering on about the author’s personal opinion. That is already implied by the merits of the subject. Let’s take a look at the difference in tone:

    Controversy:

    • [title redacted] takes a look at fifteen authors who take drugs when they write because they feel it improves their writing
    • My story is about being molested by a Catholic priest
    • Democrats/Republicans are driving a wedge into the moral fabric of this country
    • My story is about how my ex-wife falsely  accused of molesting my child in her attempt to gain sole custody
    • My book is about how my ex-husband abandoned my children and me when he ran off with an exotic dancer
    • My story focuses on how my over-protective parents retarded my life by controlling my every thought and action. When they died, I had to learn all these things on my own.
    • My book highlights what I feel is the moral decay of American life by allowing gays to marry
    • [title redacted] is about how [character redacted] falls seriously ill when her doctor insists on using alternative healing methods rather than standard medical procedures

    The difference with controversy is that it invites discussion – much of it quite heated – but doesn’t call into question my own faith, belief system, morality, or political persuasion. The author keeps it “out there” and doesn’t make it personal. It’s simply more professional.

    I wouldn’t make such a big deal about this, but I see way too much of it. Authors – dear authors – reign in your passion and stick to the subject. Don’t get personal, don’t attack with your personal biases. Don’t act like a noob. There is a perfect time for advocacy, and that’s when you’re at Tattered Cover standing in front of fifty people who are breathlessly awaiting to hear your wise words.

    1 Comment | agenda | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    Backstory isn’t always evil

    February 24, 2010

    What? sez you? You read my blog post on backstory and believe backstory and fluff is the root of all evil. Whazzis? You didn’t read that post? Well go on, read it and come back. I’ll wait…Hey, beagle, did you hear the one about the shark who became an agent? Well, word on the street is that she caught her tooth on an author’s shoe and…oh, you’re back. Cool. Let’s continue. We were talking about evil backstory.

    I gave a seminar recently on Backstory Boogaloo, and I made a comment about knowing when and where to add backstory and fluff to a chapter. Someone rose their hand and called me on it. “Adding backstory and fluff? I thought we were supposed to remove it!”

    No, no, no, no! Like my lust for Twinkies, moderation is the key to all things – including backstory and fluff. These are the elements that enhance a chapter with color and dimension.

    Here’s an example:

    With backstory and fluff

    Overworked and Underpaid Editor checked the time and rubbed her eyes. No wonder her neck ached. It was 2 a.m. and she was no closer to finishing reading her goodie pile [some call it slush] than when she’d started earlier that day. She couldn’t have gotten as far as she had without help from the beagle. Uncharacteristically, she’d jumped right in and offered help in the way of fresh margaritas and reading.

    Overworked and Underpaid looked over at the sleeping hound, snoring on the top of the pile of manuscripts, and felt a pang of love sweep across her heart. She’d always wanted a beagle, but somehow always ended up with dogs named Swamp Thing whose hair didn’t grow in a single direction. The beagle had been a surprise – not entirely welcome since she was used to being the Alpha female. So was Overworked and Underpaid.

    The two had circled around one another for weeks, wondering if the relationship would take hold. The dam broke when Overworked and Underpaid came down to the kitchen for a glass of water and discovered the beagle mixing up a batch of margaritas. The best Overworked and Underpaid ever had. The two sat up until dawn, talking about life, gossiping about the Rottweiler up the street, and the finer nuances of designer chewie toys.

    So while the two would always have a love/snarl working relationship, Overworked and Underpaid understood that when things got really tough, she could count on the beagle. She pulled out a blanket and covered the snoring hound and turned out the lights.

    Take notice of the sentences in red, those are the lead in and lead out sentences. These puppies serve as a seamless transition into and out of your backstory. If it makes sense to add backstory [which is short and sweet], then the reader will follow you just about anywhere. But where you lead in, you need to lead back out to the current scene. This makes the backstory seamless and logical to your scene.

    Here’s the same scene without backstory:

    Overworked and Underpaid Editor checked the time and rubbed her eyes. No wonder her neck ached. It was 2 a.m. and she was no closer to finishing reading her goodie pile [some call it slush] than when she’d started earlier that day. She couldn’t have gotten as far as she had without help from the beagle. Uncharacteristically, she’d jumped right in and offered help in the way of fresh margaritas and reading. She pulled out a blanket and covered the snoring hound and turned out the lights.

    Bada bing, bada boom. Sure, first thing you notice is how backstory and fluff adds to the word count. But it also adds to the richness and flavor of the scene or chapter. That’s why it’s wise to remember that too much of a good thing is bad for our literary waistlines. Use backstory and fluff judiciously and minimally. Make a conscious decision as to where and what you’re going to add.

    Last thing you want is to have your readers get impatient and mutter, “get on with the story, already!”

    7 Comments | backstory, fluff | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    Auctioning one’s services

    February 23, 2010

    I’ve been watching an implosion of sorts over an agent who offered a 1-2 page evaluation of authors’ five-page synopsis and the first twenty-five pages in exchange for a $100 donation to a worthy cause. On the face of it, the idea has merit. A worthy cause receives much-needed funding, and authors receive feedback of their work from a learned source – the agent.

    Or do they?

    I admit that I’m ambivalent about anyone in the publishing industry, be they agents or editors, doing fundraisers because of the potential for abuse or misunderstanding.

    The problems I see are this:

    • Are they evaluating a genre they represent? Silly as that may sound, there’s a disconnect here. For instance, I don’t publish YA, so I don’t always feel properly suited to critique it. Sure, the basics are all the same, regardless of genre, but I may slip up on voice. Each age group commands a certain voice, and I may not catch that because it’s not my specialty. That’s a pretty important slip-up that someone like Andrea Brown would catch with her eyes closed and one arm tied behind her back. With respect to a fundraiser, genre isn’t a consideration because, well, the person is after your money, not necessarily your story. There’s an agenda at play here.
    • Quality of the evaluation: If the response is so vast – and it usually is – then the agent or editor will be inundated with pages, so how good is that evaluation or critique going to be? I know that when I do advanced readings for writer’s conferences, I may receive eight submissions of twenty pages each. I usually get them two weeks before the event. Somehow, I need to squeeze in the reading in between the organized chaos of my day job. I’d like to think the authors are getting my very best, but in truth, they’re getting a rushed critique of the high points of what does and doesn’t work. And at that, each reading takes me about a couple hours to read, take notes, and type up a one-two page crit. They paid for it, and they damn well deserve the best I can offer given the small window of time I’ve been allotted. If one multiplies that times, say, a hundred, two hundred, now what is the author going to get? And don’t forget, you’ve paid $100 for the honor.
    • Can anyone give a real evaluation of an overall story with only 25 pages? The thing with evaluations or critiques is that the agent or editor can only speak to those specific pages. Is it helpful to see what does and doesn’t work for those pages? Sure. They can highlight a weak point in your writing that you suspect carries through the rest of the manuscript. But they can’t speak to the overall quality of your story. I’ve read many manuscripts that were terrific up until the last few chapters, where the book falls apart. And don’t forget, you paid $100 for this opinion, so you have to weigh that against how much it will help you.
    • Who’s actually doing the critique? The cynic in me knows full well that most agents and editors have scut monkeys – those brave interns who do the dirty work of evaluation what they think their bosses would like. Call me cynical, but if I have over a hundred submissions – who have all paid $100 [did I mention that already?] – I have a time constraint. Helloooo scut monkeys.
    • Who is the person offering this deal? You need to know who you’re dealing with. Is this someone who’s made some big deals recently? Has s/he made regular sales over the years? Is s/he an industry leader who commands respect far and wide, like an Andrea Brown, Rita Rosenkranz, Stephany Evans, or are they lesser known?  Is this a loose canon who will take a personal issue to a public arena [as exhibited on a particular writer's board]? Personally, any agent or editor who would do this is slitting their own throat because gossip is rife in this industry. You want to work with the best, and any agent or editor who ridicules or mocks an author in front of thousands is someone you want to hose down with bug spray.

    What are you getting? A critique or evaluation?

    Thar be a difference between an evaluation and a critique, and there is room for disappointment because the author isn’t necessarily certain which they’re getting – a critique or an evaluation. The person doing the fundraiser is more than likely looking for the easiest way out to get the biggest bang for his buck [mind you, this is merely a suspicion, not a fact. Again, I'm cynical, ok?]. But given the realities, the agent can’t possibly devote untold hours on each submission – for which you paid $100 – otherwise, he’d be reading until late next year.

    Ok, I exaggerate, but the facts are that time management is an issue. A critique takes a lot of time and thought. It’s the, “this story doesn’t work for me because of the following elements…” It’s about specifics…believability, POV switches, poor character development, pacing, and a whole host of other items off the literary a la cart menu. Unless you’re Janet Reid, analysis takes time.

    Conversely, an evaluation is an opinion, and it doesn’t demand nearly as much thought or analysis because it’s not about pointing out specifics. It’s the, “I don’t think this story has any place in the market because your character isn’t likable/believable.” Mind you, you’re not being told why, just that they do or don’t like what you’ve done.

    And hey, there’s nothing that puts the zing in a writer’s zang than to hear, “Hey, great work! Wow. Cool. Awesome, dooood.” But again, no specifics. Well, dammit, how is it cool and amazing, you think. You’re also remembering that, hey wait, I forked over a hundred smackers, and that’s the best you can do?

    Hmm.

    Ask questions

    It’s important to take offers like this with grain of salt. Think logically – yes, Dad, I hear you snorting at my attempts to bleat logic. An offer such as this could be the bee’s knees, or it could be an invitation for abuse where the author loses. Personally, I’m sick and tired of authors getting the short end of the stick when it comes to “free” this or “let me help you” that because I’m just a cynical wench who has seen too much abuse.

    If this is something that appeals to you, then ask the person offering the deal a lot of questions. Don’t forget, they want your donation, so they should be able to answer you. If they don’t, then you’ve saved yourself some money.

    • Am I getting a critique or an evaluation?
    • Could you please define what that entails?
    • How much specific detail do you give?
    • How long is your critique/evaluation? After all, you’re forking over a hefty “fee,” so this question is quite reasonable

    Then you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself one question: Is it worth it?

    3 Comments | fee for service | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    Lauren Roberts, you can run, but you can’t hide

    February 22, 2010

    So if it weren’t for the good graces of that Reid woman, I’d have never known it’s Lauren Roberts’ birthday today. I owe Reid a big wet one for this newsflash.

    Lauren is the brilliance behind the fabulous BiblioBuffet review site. Now let me say that there are book review sites and then there’s BiblioBuffet. This woman has built up a site that every author should vie to have review their books. Lauren has a collection of reviewers who are savvy, experienced, and achingly tuned in to the publishing industry. She attracted these people because she’s a cut above the rest.

    If you don’t read her site and her blog…ohhh, now I see where Janet found out about Lauren’s birthday. Gee, don’t I feel quite like the ninny? And here I was on the verge of thinking Janet possessed a stronger tinfoil hat than I do.

    Ok, I digress. I was saying that anyone who hadn’t given themselves the gift of reading Lauren’s site and blog is denying themselves a key piece of joy, insight, and…dare I say it?…brilliant analysis.

    Lauren, dahling, here’s a big smooch and hug to you, darlin’. Many a fun phone conversation I’ve had with you, and we’ve giggled over so many silly things about this crazy industry. May it never end! Big huzzah to you!

    3 Comments | Uncategorized | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    SASE-itis

    February 22, 2010

    …which sounds like Sassy-itis, doesn’t it? Of course, it means Self Addressed Stamped Envelope. Agents and editors who still accept hard copy partials and fulls always request the author include one of these little puppies along as well so they can send you a reply.

    For those who want their pages/manuscript returned, the author needs to include a large enough envelope that’s stamped with enough postage for its return trip.

    And here is where my post begins. Back when I still accepted hard copy partials and fulls, almost all of them included the large stamped mailer that indicated the author wanted his pages back.

    Erm. Do you REALLY want them back?

    Hey, this costs money, yanno!

    Yah, I know. Copying partials and fulls can eat into one’s ink and paper budget, or make Kinkos even richer. But there are some things that just don’t recycle well, and manuscripts fit that category. And think about it. You don’t recycle your gum, do you [yeech]? Once it’s chewed, you spit that out, where I will invariably step in it and play glued-sole-to-the-sidewalk and looking quite brain-addled.

    Even though printing off numerous copies of your partials and fulls costs money, you really don’t want your pages back because agents and editors tend to beat them up. We stuff them in our bags and read them on the plane or train. Errant beagles nibble the corners just to be ornery. They have smudges all over. I remember the time I spilled red wine over half the manuscript and was horrified that the author wanted it back. Ohdearohdear. Then there was the time I made all kinds of comments in the margins only to find a large envelope indicating its return trip. Whoopsie.

    First impressions are the most important

    And what’s the point of returning them? It’s not like you can reuse them. Or rather, it’s not like you should reuse them.  I remember receiving a well-traveled first three chapters – complete with notes made by another agent or editor! Now really, what am I supposed to think?

    It’s like when I go to writer’s conferences. At the office, I dress like a bag lady. I’ve been known to make some important deals in my pj’s. And my teeth weren’t brushed. Gross, I know. But when I go to conferences, I’m dressed to the nines – though I wear comfortable shoes, unlike that Morgan woman, who will suffer back trouble by the time she’s fifty.

    I dress nicely as a show of respect for the event organizers, who paid my transportation, food, and hotel bill, and the authors, who paid big bucks to be there. I want to create a good impression with those who don’t know me. Besides, my mother would slice and dice me if I dared show up looking like a bum.

    Well guess what? Your fresh, crisp manuscript conveys the same message. If you don’t care, why should I?

    Cheap is as cheap does

    There are times when you need to suck it up. Printing costs are part of the query process  Back in the day, if I got an ABU [Already Been Used] manuscript, I wondered whether the author was being green or was financially under the weather. Yah, sure, I appreciate the green thing just as much as the next guy, but there’s a time and place for everything. Do you want to make a political statement or sell your book?

    I suppose I’m making a big deal about all this, but it’s only because I see this as a continuing problem. Really, just let it go. Let the editor or agent recycle your work and include a stampted #10 envelope, and be done with it.

    4 Comments | SASE | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    Expose-my-soul-Sunday

    February 21, 2010

    My dad’s 90th birthday is coming up, and I’ve been pouring through six notebooks of slides because I have a fun present up my sleeve. It’s no small task because  each notebook holds between 120-180 slides. Mind you, those six notebooks barely put a dent in the others that I didn’t take home with me. Dad has taken A LOT of pics in his lifetime. Now that he’s gone digital, there are no more slides. This would be fine if we could prevent his hard drive from blowing up and losing the photos. I must get him hooked up with Carbonite. But I digress.

    The slides capture my dad’s rich and full life – a dashing Navy pilot, wooing my mom [who is killer gorgeous - and whom I look nothing like, dammit], starting their family, living in Turkey and Germany, family parties, our milestones, our kids, and our lives. These slides take my breath away because my parents have experienced five lifetimes – with grace, humility, lots of love, and lots of laughter. I guess that’s why everyone loves them so much. They’re little happiness magnets.

    I really thought this process was about Dad and his giftie, but it ended up taking me on my own sad, painful journey. See, for the past couple of years there’s been an estrangement between some of my siblings and myself. All my life I thought I was ok and that we all loved each other. Then it all came to a head, and I discovered that, in their eyes, I was about as far from ok as the beagle is from finding sobriety. I could only wonder when and how long they’d felt this way. It shook me to my core. Had my whole life with them been an illusion?

    For a long time I felt guilty – for being me. I felt responsible that my parents – the most wonderful people in the world – had to be stuffed in the middle of this mess. I thought that had I been someone else, someone different, my siblings wouldn’t risk splitting a family in two. Was I really worth it? There were times I unburdened my sadness, frustration, and anger in front of Mom and Dad, but mostly I just wept alone. I figured if no one saw my tears, maybe I could delude myself into thinking is wasn’t real. Silly, I know.

    These slides proved to be a catharsis. They took me to an innocent time, when we were all too young to wrap our heads around the ideas of hate or jealousy. Frozen on those slides – forever – are the shared smiles, the jokes, the mugging for the camera with our arms thrown around each other. There’s one of my sister holding me at two days old with a look of adoration splashed across her face, while my brothers look like an alien just moved in.

    The picture is poignant because she had ordered my mother NOT to bring home another boy. I guess being the big sister of two bratty boys was akin to living with a nail in your shoe. And love me up, she did. Mom tells me how I used to call my sister “Mom” because she was such a fixture in my life. Not easy when there’s a nine-year difference.

    There are the goofy pictures from our lives in Germany – my brothers and I in our lederhosen, they wearing the most ridiculous Alpine hats we’ve ever seen. In retrospect, it seems a mild outrage that my sister escaped these indignities.

    Then there are the pictures of our picnics in the Alps -  some of my favorites because of the striking beauty of the scenery. I mean, there we were, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches [Mom has a drinkie in her hand] out of the trunk of our station wagon, parked against a backdrop of giant snowcapped mountains and an explosion of forests. Years ago, I nicknamed us the Family von Gard. By golly, the von Trapps had nothing on us.

    But in retrospect, I wondered if the von Trapps’ family unity was as big an illusion as ours turned out to be. I’ve spent a couple years harboring some fairly strong feelings at the things my siblings have said and done, so it’s been painful looking at these slides of carefree, joyous times. Has it softened my heart? I’m not sure.  I do know that more than anything, I wish we could recapture what we had. No one could do a blowout family party like the Gard family. But maybe you can’t go home again. The ball isn’t exactly in my court.

    But these slides prove that these things – the feelings of love and unmitigated joy – really did happen. I just wish I could figure out where and when it all went so wrong. I guess what I hope for is that maybe these pictures will soften their hearts and maybe, for the first time ever, they may see me for who I really I am, not who they believe I am.

    So while I can’t wait for Dad to see his giftie, I hope that others look at my dad’s fabulous journey, and our lives, and want to “go home” again as well.

    I don’t know…do miracles really happen?

    12 Comments | Uncategorized | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

    May I get you coffee and an English muffin, too?

    February 20, 2010

    Why work when there’s a warm bed and comfy pillow, yanno?

    2 Comments | beagles behaving badly | Permalink
    Posted by lynnpricewrites

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