Authors Who Need a Binky

July 22, 2016

There are authors who believe their writing comes from the hand of God. Hey, maybe it does and I’m too dumb to realize it. But I do know what works for us and what doesn’t. For instance, when Kristin Adams pitched her manuscript about the amazing friendship between her son and his chicken, Frightful, to me at the PNWA in Seattle last July, I knew I had to have her on board.

But not everyone rocks my boat, and they receive a rejection letter…which affronts some the point of striking back. Instead of doing what you should do: M.O.V.E. O.N. the aggrieved author writes me back in a fit of pique, accusing me of everything from global warming to acne.

Let me invite you into my world for a second:

I read a manuscript and sent this rejection letter:

Thank you for writing. There are some problems with this that prevents me from considering this further. First, I can’t find anything about XXX on the internet. If there’s no proof this place existed, and thereby impossible to verify, then I don’t see where the compelling components for this manuscript exist. Lastly, your query letter lacks editorial finesse. If I’m forced to re-read sentences two and three times, then I have to assume the manuscript would be of the same quality. This makes things quite untenable for us. Best of luck to you in your endeavors.

I received this back from the author today:

I had my proposal letter edited and found out that even though it needed improvement it was not any where near as bad as you claim it is. My manuscript was reviewed by a professor when I took a course with her and she has found it to have what a creative fiction that is auto-ethnographic needs which is clarity and believability. I do not accept your feedback as valid in fact it was very insensitive. I now believe  your or or publishing company just wanted to discourage me because of being scared. I talk about powerful women and that can scare some people. I also think that even though y’all claim to focus on such things as conflict and resolution in truth y’all are just wanting to stop social progress and keep socialization as it is now so you have to discourage people who think and act outside of that oppressive box, take good care

Oh dear.

This is never a good idea. EVER. I can’t say it enough. Conduct yourself as you would at a job interview, because basically, a query letter is a job interview. All I could think was that this poor author is in for the shock of her life when she has to experience the editing process. And reviews? Oh, the horror.

Publishing is a tough, competitive business, where only the best are chosen. If you need a safe place to suck your binky over what you perceive as “insensitive,” then I posit that you ain’t ready for the Big Leagues, yet. There is a huge difference between making professional critiques and telling someone their writing sucks stale Twinkie cream (which I would never do).

So why do I bring this up? Because I see so much of this idea of “I deserve this, and screw you if you reject me!” And you know what? You don’t “deserve this.” You earn it…and you do that by acting like a professional and having an amazing story that is clearly outlined in your query letter. The characters and plot should be so real that they leap off the page. This is exactly what Kristin Adams did when she pitched to me during breakfast in Seattle last year. By the time I’d slathered the butter on my roll, I knew I had to see more. Kristin earned it. And so have all of our authors.

Over the years, I’ve seen more and more bad behavior, and I don’t understand this. Is this the general coming of things, or is there something in the water that’s making everyone put on their Crabby Pants? Regardless of why it’s taking place, there is one constant, and that is that editors and agents won’t put up with rude behavior. You want to throw a hissy? Fine. Go do it in your safe space. And don’t forget your binky.


The Great Oversell-Don’t Be a Toothpaste Commercial

July 11, 2016

Is there anything more irritating than toothpaste commercials that cheerfully tell you their product will brighten your teeth, give you fresh breath, and make you a chick/dude magnet, only to find out that the product didn’t brighten your teeth, your breath was only mildly enhanced, and that hot dude you’d been oogling threatened to blast you with pepper spray?

Welcome to my world of book proposals. Agents and authors are obviously eager to sell their manuscripts, so the proposals are normally filled with glowy, cheery stuff about how amazing the author is, how HUGE their platform is, and all the wonderful people they have on board to enhance marketing and promotion.

Many times the proposal lives up to the hype, and sales slide out the door, and everyone jumps for joy…and even The Rescue Beagles dance a jig.

But just as many times, the proposal is more like the toothpaste commercial, and all those glowy things that made my sales teams and me slobber like bassethounds end up not going anywhere…be it the PR team that was hired (but I never heard from them), or the established speech tour that was planned (but never happened). As a result, I’ve learned to take proposals with a grain of salt, because I’m the one left holding the financial bag.

If you’re writing a book proposal, be honest. If your promo plan looks lean, that means you need to work on your preparation. Don’t make stuff up. Remember, you’re looking to be a benefit to your publisher, not a risk. When you’re a benefit to your publisher, there is nothing they won’t reasonably do for you. When you’re a risk, editors want to cry and eat way too much chocolate.

Don’t oversell yourself. Don’t be a toothpaste commercial.

 


Public Service Notice About Pages vs. Word Count

July 7, 2016

I’ll keep this short and sweet. No one gives a good hot raspberry about how many pages your manuscript contains. We need the word count. This is industry wide. You can find your word count at the bottom of your Word document. Use it.

You’re welcome.


We Don’t Need No Steenkin’ Links…

March 16, 2016

For the love of all that’s holy, don’t include links in your query letter as a means of getting further information about your book. No matter whom you query, know that they’re insanely busy. They’ve made the time to open your query letter to see if your writing is what they’re looking for. If you do little more than say  a few words in your “query letter,”then direct them to a link where you have your bio, full synopsis, and reasons why you think this book is a “gotta have it,” I assure you that those bleary-eyed editors will delete your email without a second thought…because, well, links are rude.

A query letter is a job interview. Would you meet with a potential employer and hand them a link, so they can take even more time out of their day to accommodate your laziness? I assure you they won’t. They’ll move on to the next job applicant who is actually prepared and knows what they’re doing.

I know, I sound like a cranky pants, and I suppose it’s because I’m seeing a downward trend in the niceties of polite society. Everything is self-serve. It’s like the gal working in the shoe dept of my local department store. It was Sunday…the place was empty and you could have shot a canon through the place. I found some shoes I wanted to try on. She got them for me and unceremoniously dumped them on the chair and promptly returned to the cash register where she could talk to her co-worker, thereby completely ignoring me. I guess that was more important than waiting on a paying customer. In a word, she was rude.

Seems few know or care about excelling at their job, yet they scream bloody murder when/if they’re turned down or fired. But I have enough covered-over gray hairs to give a rat’s patootie about good manners and doing things correctly. And there is a correct way to query.

As for Ms. I-Can’t-Be-Bothered in the shoe department, who then wanted my email address for their records, maybe I should have just given her a link…


What Goes On in the Background…

February 15, 2016

You no spamma me...got it?

…isn’t always pretty, and it can make me a bit snarly.

A literary agent with whom I’ve never done business queried me on behalf of her author client. I had a couple questions, so I picked up the phone to call the number she had listed on the book proposal. All I got was a fast busy signal. So I looked up the agency site and called the number. Their voicemail box was full, so I can’t leave a message. This was over a week ago.

She hasn’t answered my email, either. So I don’t have much choice but to delete this potentially wonderful book from my Submissions folder.

Who’s the loser in this drama? The author.

Please, dear writers, before you sign a contract with anyone, RESEARCH. There are so many writing sites with forums dedicated to the classic, “What have you heard?” Don’t let the excitement of saying, “I have an agent!” cloud your judgement as whether they’ll actually do a good job for you.

I have no use for an agent I can’t contact, and my heart breaks for the author because the potential is quite huge.


Writers Vibrate at a Different Frequency

November 3, 2015

googlehistorymem…and aren’t we grateful for that??


I Wanna Know More About You – Author Bio

October 27, 2015

Authors usually want to mainline Drano when confronted with writing a bio as part of their book proposals, because they’re not really sure what editors want to know. The thoughts come racing: Do editors care where I grew up? Where I went to school? What terrifies me in the middle of the night? My favorite movie and candy bar? Color?

Gah!

Here’s the thing; we really do wanna know about you because you’re the heart and soul of your story. However, we wanna know the parts of your bio that relates to your story. For instance, if your story is about your meteoric rise at school, then knowing where you went to school is a given. But if your story is about scaling K-2 with a broken ankle, then your school education doesn’t ring my chimes.

Avoid Filler

It’s common to see author bios packed with filler:

I grew up with three cats and an epileptic dog, and three brothers who loved to sneak lizards into my bed just to watch me screech loudly enough to shatter the windows.

Yah. Avoid that.

Put Yourself In My Shoes

The reason we want author bios is to use that information for promotion and marketing purposes, so it’s helpful when authors put themselves in my Manolo Blahniks and give me information that I can use to turn buyers’ heads.

I remember reading a proposal about a woman who wrote a Self Help about being a woman in Corporate America and the importance of retaining the very aspects of womanhood. Okay, cool message. But her bio revealed that she was a retired CEO of a major corporation. Yah. I wanna know that. Conversely, I didn’t care that she began her early career by being an intern in a dentist’s office or that she finally married her longtime boyfriend. Buyers won’t care, and my sales teams will throw a hissy fit at me.

But There’s Nothing Interesting About My Life

This is the Numero Uno excuse I see in query letters/proposals, and it’s worrisome. If your life has been that underwhelming, then I can’t help but wonder whether your story is equally underwhelming. I mean, something happened to you: you had a child with autism; you were a commercial airline pilot; you discovered the father who abandoned you was the Governor of Rhode Island…I could go on for days…

But the point I’m trying to drive home is that something happened to you that you felt was print-worthy, so your author bio needs to focus on that. It doesn’t matter if you have previous writing credits. Nearly all of our books are from debut authors! But what each of our authors had was some key elements to their lives that led them to their life-altering personal journey. I wanna know what that is.

So how ’bout it? Are you struggling with your author bio?


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,363 other followers

%d bloggers like this: