Premature submitulation

June 30, 2010

The setting: Overworked and Underpaid Editor’s office. The beagle is stretched on the desk, basking in the sunshine. She has already shushed Overworked twice for speaking too loudly and interrupting her beauty nap. In a chair sits a manuscript, blushing furiously and biting the edges of its little corners. Overworked and Underpaid Editor is pacing about the office, wielding her evil red pen like a bloody saber.

Overworked: So, what are you doing here, young missy?

Little Forlorn Manuscript: [she's so nervous that she's about to wet her little pages] I-I am the replacement manuscript.

Overworked: But I already have your big brother sitting in the corner. As you can see, I’ve already started reading him.

Little Forlorn Manuscript: [looks to the pile and sees her big brother, who is cursing wildly and trying to pull his pages together] I know. But it was deemed that I was a better replacement. I’m written better and I…

Big Brother: Ah, bite me, you little twerp. You’re nothing but skanky tree shavings!

Little Forlorn Manuscript: …have a stronger opening and better character development.

Overworked: Why did your handlers waste my time in having me read your big brother over there [Overworked casts a glance over at Big Brother Manuscript]…oh for petesakes, Big, get a grip and stop trying to light my office on fire. Geez. [glaring at Little Forlorn Manuscript] I’m halfway through reading your brother, and now you want me to read you? Do you have any idea what a waste of my time this is? Why didn’t your handlers send you in the first place?

Little Forlorn Manuscript: Because, uh, um, I hadn’t been written yet. My handlers took another look at the story and decided I was the better, stronger manuscript. So she edited me and sent me to you. She really, really hopes you aren’t too annoyed.

Overworked: Oh, I’m totally annoyed. You wanna know why?

Beagle: Hey, could you puhleeeze shaddap over there? You’re ruining a perfectly good dream about a threesome with Lassie and Rin Tin Tin.

Overworked: [ignoring the beagle, she continues glaring at Little Forlorn] I’m annoyed because I’ve already started reading your brother. I’m annoyed because now I’m expected to read you. I’m annoyed because your handler suffers from an acute case of premature submitulation, and her blunder forces me to either toss you and your brother out because I’m concerned your handler doesn’t know what she’s doing, or it forces me to read the same story twice. Does your handler believe I have nothing better to do?

Premature submitulation is a dangerous syndrome because your handler is basically telling me she’s not ready. Ok, so she sent you. Yay. Let’s throw a parade. But what makes me believe she’s not at home cranking out another version? Your baby sister, perhaps?

Big Brother: [shouting from the corner] Yah, baby! Bring on the family reunion! Maybe the handler will write a couple of twins in as well. Heck, Underworked, you could be reading fifty versions of us.

Overworked: That’s Overworked, you pulverized pine tree. [settling her steely eyes on Little Forlorn] You can see how this shakes my confidence in your handler. See, I’m thinking down the line here. Let’s say I sign you and we need to edit your pages some [Little Forlorn gasps in fear]. What’s to say your handler won’t create a whole neighborhood of you because she can’t quite make up her mind which of you she likes better. This is the reason my liquor budget is the size of small nations and why my doctor is attempting to clone healthy livers.

Sounds of the UPS truck resound off the walls, forcing the beagle to rush to the door so she can bite his ankles and bare her teeth.

UPS guy: [dressed in full combat gear and extra ankle padding] Delivery for Overworked and Underpaid Editor.

Beagle: [saunters back to her desk perch] Padding…combat gear… pussy.

Overworked: [reading the label, she blanches] Beagle, a round of margaritas. [she dumps a package on her desk and sighs] It’s your handler. She’s sent me yet another sibling. Meet your baby sister.

Little Forlorn Manuscript: I-I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.

Big Brother: Yah, now you know how it feels to be shoved aside, left to rot while that mangy mutt chews on your corners.

Overworked: [pinching nose as she shuffles through the pile of papers and picks up a whimpering sheet of paper] And who might you be?

Forlorn Little Query Letter: Um, I’m the second try at a query letter. You rejected the first one, so my handler sent me.

Overworked: Gawd, I hate family reunions.

The moral of the story is make double-fudge-with-extra-cherries-sure that your manuscript is complete. If you continue to tweak after you’ve sent out pages, you’re suffering from acute Premature Submitulation. The only known cure for this affliction is anal/cranial inversion.

The facts are this: You’re either ready to submit, or you’re not. There are no takey backeys in the query process. You let the genie out of the bottle, so run with it.


Should I self-publish? Know what awaits you

June 27, 2010

I know there are a ton of sites that already debate this issue and a ton of How To books on the subject, but few are written by those who work for trade publishers and I thought it a good idea if I tossed out some ideas from my perspective.

I know a lot of authors who ponder the option of publishing their works themselves because the idea of agent hunting is too daunting. Or they’ve been rejected by all the good agents on their list. Whatever the reason, there are things you need to know – that old look before you leap thing.

True self publishing – where you are the publisher – isn’t for those with weak intestinal fortitude or account balances that hover in the three figures. I’ve seen way too many self published authors implode, and they’re stuck with a garage full of books and nothing in their checking account. To avoid this, authors need to be fully aware of the right way and the wrong way.

There’s a right way and a wrong way. Gee, Pricey, isn’t that true about everything? Yah, yah…shaddap.

To go the right way course, there are factors you MUST HAVE. Thar be no arguing or compromise about this. You either do these steps, or you’ll be a butterfly without wings.

Competition

The very first thing authors pondering this option MUST be aware of is competition. The self published author faces very stiff competition from their fellow publishers – who have more experience, money, industry contacts, and distribution. So right out of the shoot, the self published author is at a disadvantage, and will have to fight to get their book into the marketplace with any kind of impact. Shelves are crowded, and the chain buyers are tight with their budgets. Unless you have a big book, and I do mean big, be prepared to be ignored by the genre buyers, indies, and libraries.

If you have any hope of making even a dent of a market impact, be prepared to work achingly long hours and spend huge amounts of money.

Intent – what is the intent of your book?

You need to have a clear intent for your book before you can figure out which publishing option is appropriate. For example, is it your intent to see your books widely distributed on store shelves, or do you give seminars and are planning on primarily selling  your books at the back of the room? Or book clubs, or private events, or specialized groups?

Market research

Authors need to do full market research in order to figure out whether they’ve written a story in an impacted category. I’ve seen any number of self pubbed books that were written in a crowded genre, and they stood no chance to see the light of day because the competition was simply too stiff, and they lacked a platform in which to bring the book to the marketplace.

Audience

If I had a dime for every time I’ve asked an author who their audience is and they reply like a bobblehead on crack, “Oh, everyone!” – I’d own Hawaii and most of Bali. Books always have a target audience. Always. This is a business about categorizing, identifying, and pigeonholing, and you better figure out your audience pronto because someone, somewhere along the way is going to ask. If you say “Everyone!”, they’re going to consider you a noob [someone who doesn't know that they don't know - and they don't care] and ignore you.

So figure it out? Is your book for adults only? YA? Children? Women issues? Family issues? Catholics? Druids with green teeth and halitosis? Figure it out.

Platform/who are you?

I know…everyone hates this word. But it’s the way of the world these days, so you might as well get used to it – especially if you’re considering self publishing. The first genre buyers from the indies and chains ask is, “who is this author, and why would anyone want to read their book?” If you sit at home stuffing Mason jars with pickled marshmallows, it’s a guar-an-tee that your book will be overlooked. Pinky swear.

If you wrote a fantasy about two surfer dudes, then you better have something up your sleeve that will get people talking about your book. Same goes if you wrote a memoir.

And may I just say that memoirs are really tough because most aren’t marketable. You may feel your life is fascinating and special – and of course, it is – but the thing to ask is why would anyone want to read your book? What do you have to say? What will people learn/experience from reading your memoir? Unless you have a great platform that ties into your memoir, your book is going to travel down the road to anonymity. Remember, you’re up against bigger publishers who have both feet in the door with genre buyers, so you need to have some reason why buyers are going to be interested in purchasing your book.

Distribution

One does not write their book and sit back to wait for the masses to flood your gates. Or the bookstores’ gates. Remember, no one knows who you are, so how are you going to get your book out to the marketplace? Simply listing your title with Ingram and Baker & Taylor won’t cut it because all that does is get your book listed in the online databases like Amazon, B&N.com, etc. it will not get your book on store shelves.

You need to establish a relationship with an independent distributor whose sales teams and catalogs will get your book in front of the buyers’ noses. Now, you don’t just pick up the phone and expect to have your book picked up. Most distributors are gun shy about taking on a onesie/twosie book because there’s no percentage in pitching a product that has a short shelf life. They’re looking for longevity.

There are several independent distributors who will establish a relationship with the onesie/twosie self publisher, but their imprint in the bookstores in negligible. The only way you’re going to really break through this barrier is your platform and your promotion plan. Without it, a solid distributor won’t give you the time of day.

Marketing/Promotion – publicist?

This is where most self published authors fail. Never, ever underestimate the importance of marketing and promotion. This is what opens doors. No matter how big you think you book is, it’s rare that things go viral due to word of mouth. You must get out there and pitch your book to your audience. Let me say that again.

You must get out there and pitch your book to your audience.

Bookstores and event organizers aren’t looking for the casual, “hey, I wrote me a book!” author. This is a big money business, and the hobbyist is going to get mowed over in much the same fashion as when my daughter ran over the sprinklers in our front yard. But where she got attention – lots of it, albeit negative – you won’t. Think about hiring a publicist who has contacts in all types of media.

A word about publicists. There are lots of crap publicists out there, and there are lots of excellent ones. Both can cost lots of money or be quite reasonable. Before you leap into this, ASK AROUND. Books invariably thank their agents, editors, and publicists, so start taking names. We’ve worked with several great publicists – and no, don’t ask me for their names. I’m not a referral service. I only do this for my authors.

Publicists can be the difference between a few hundred sales and several thousand.

Production – editing, cover design, interior layout, ISBN, print runs, ARCs?

The production costs are in direct proportion to quality. If you cheap out on editing, cover design, interior design, and printers, you’ll have a cheap book that’s poorly edited and is visually unappealing both on the outside and the interior.

Whatever you do, don’t think you can edit your own book. You can’t. You’re too close to it and don’t know how to properly kill your babies. Only a black-hearted, scum-sucking editor with an evil red pen can do your manuscript justice. Just like publicists, there are good, great, and crappola indie editors. Be mindful of what you’re buying. Ask around so you can be satisfied that you’re getting a quality person.

Same goes for cover designers and interior designers who can also properly format your manuscript so that it’s print ready.

You’ll need to buy an ISBN [International Standard Book Number]for your book. This is the numeric book identifier used by booksellers, and they aren’t free. You can buy them in lots of ten, hundred, or thousands.

Next you need to consider whether you’re going to print ARCs – Advance Reader Copies.These little babies go out to reviewers and media at least four months before your publication date. If you have a publicist, she’ll want a bunch as well. Depending upon the book, it’s not at all unusual to print up about 100 ARCs. The self pubbed author will more than likely not do this unless they have a big promo plan set up.

Next comes the print run. Unless you have serious distribution in place and a kick-butt promotion plan, I’d advise against getting a huge number of books printed up. Yes, the more you print, the cheaper the unit price. But if you don’t sell those books, they become a fire hazard in your garage – not to mention the dent in your bank account. Be smart.

A viable option is to use a good book shepherd. These are companies who know a hell of a lot about publishing and know just about everyone under the sun. They know editors, cover designers, interior designers, distributors, and are little godsends in helping organize the self published author so they can put out a very good product. Again, they aren’t free. But the good ones are very good at what they do, and can even help find the self pubbed author distribution.

Money

And this where we come to the big enchilada. Publishing is far from free. There are a lot of elements that go into creating a damn good book that’s viable and marketable. Those who prevail with self pubbing their book take all these steps seriously. And before they begin, they make sure they have plenty of money. If you have 20-30-40k to spend, then you can probably do justice to your work.

Most don’t, though, and this is why self publishing retains a blemished reputation. Most do this on the cheap only to find out too late that they never had a chance to begin with, and all they have to show for it is a garage full of books and an anemic bank account.

I take my hat off to those who go this route because the sky is the limit. You are your own boss creating your own destiny for your book. Everything is on your shoulders, and this ride is either literary viagra or literary Maalox.

Be smart, be careful, and always be a sponge for learning this business. Look both ways before crossing the street.


Out of sight – out of town

June 25, 2010

I’ll get serious about writing issues next week. We’re blasting out of town for some sun ‘n fun. I love this, but it’s oh so hard to leave technology behind.

Get it…behind??

Nyuk, nyuk.

Have a great weekend!


Ahhhh…notsobright and notsobrighter

June 23, 2010

Ok, it’s my birthday, so I’m willing to laugh.

Sort of.

I’ve received two queries today stating that the authors are in need of an agent.

Um.

I’m
Not
An
Agent.

Do these people even LOOK at our website? Gah…

I had two authors whose works I rejected many moons ago send me a spammy thing telling me about their upcoming book events and, gee, they hope I can make it to coo and burble over their accomplishments. I’m happy for them, but I really don’t like distribution lists. Really, truly. My email comes to a place of business, and this sort of cheap trick floods up my already bulging inbox. Besides, it’s not like I established a bestest buddy buddy kinship with either of them.

A word to those whose elevators reach the top floor – never put an editor or agent into your contacts list unless they signed you. Otherwise, forget us. Really. Truly.

On the upside, I lurve my printer. I mean, we’ve been doing this publishy thing for a number of years now, and whoever heard of cranking out 10k units in a week? A WEEK.

Did I mention I lurve my printer?


Birthday wishies and literary dishies

June 23, 2010

So what makes a black-hearted, soulless editor happy on her birthday? Oh sure, the usual things apply – query letters that have a clear plot, authors who actually read the submission guidelines [which for some reason has been in very short supply the entire month of June], cover designs that come together easily, fabulous projects.

But there are other things, too.

Selling 5,000 units of Jan’s Story in three days is certainly a good way to drunk-punch an editor clean into Giddy Land.

Another good way to put the jam in my jelly doughnut is to see a nice huzzah in Daily Business Review for a really damn good book – The Writer’s Guide to the Courtroom – Let’s Quill All the Lawyers. Go, Donna!

And with that, I must go. The beagle has made reservations at the local pub/health spa/taco-ria. She even got the Rottweiler down the way to cover the phones. I’m wondering whether to be worried…


Charting the Unknown – we’re just hemorrhaging fabo books

June 22, 2010

Great title for a book, eh? Think about the times you’ve charted your own unknown. Was it filled with fear, exhilaration, or a mantra of “holy artichoke hearts, Batman, what the hell was I thinking?” [my personal morning call to insanity].

The point about this thing we call the Human Experience is that no one gets out alive, and everyone can’t help but have their souls touched and altered in some manner. That’s what I love about Kim Petersen’s book. She and her husband, Mike, did something radical – something that most of us only think about: They chucked it all to live on a boat. A very nice boat, mind y0u, but a boat nonetheless.

With.
Their.
Teenaged.
Kids.

I know, you’re all thinking the same thing I did – good grief, what sort of madness must ramble about their collective cerebral cortex to consider living within finite confines with, not one, but two walking hormones. On the other hand, what a marvelous opportunity to avoid the usual teenage angst of curfews, “I hate you!”, crap high schools who would rather show Bowling for Columbine rather than teach English, and having to tell your daughter her taste in boyfriends is sub par. It’s a brave move to turn back the clock of progress and focus on the most important assets in one’s life – kids, marriage, personal growth – all seen through a vastly different prism of travel, mutual respect, and depending on each other for survival.

You can’t help but come out a changed, better person. And that’s what I found by reading Kim’s fabulous book. Her story was an inspirational invitation to consider the aspects of my life and smooth out some of those jagged edges.

Any writer looking for an example of “voice” need go no further than Charting because Kim has mastered the art of engaging her readers with her witty, breezy style that makes it sound like she’s sitting across the table from you. She made me laugh clear down to the depths of my blackened soul, and stabbed a finger into the center of my charcoal-laden heart. Is it any wonder that The Balancing Act Morning Show on the Lifetime Channel is filming her? Be sure to tune in on July 16 to watch Kim in action.

But Kim doesn’t stop there. She has one of the coolest websites I’ve seen in a long time. It’s jam-packed with all kinds of great information for those seeking to make a serious life change. And get this – she’s even looking into doing a writing seminar aboard Chrysalis – in the Bahamas! Oh yes, baby, count me in. If this sounds like a cool thing, fill out the info page and keep your fingers crossed it doesn’t rain.

Oh…and buy this incredible book. Your life will never be the same. You don’t even need Dramamine. Pinky swear.


Holy burning cakes and candles, Batman

June 21, 2010

I’m desperately trying to avoid Wednesday like the beagle avoids sobriety because it’s the day I decided to plague the earth with my presence.

There’s nothing for it. Wednesday is going to come whether I hide in bed with the covers over my head, so the heck with it. I’m blowing off Wednesday and finding out what kind of trouble I can get into. I’ll have the beagle with me, so it shouldn’t be hard.

Last time we hit the town, we ended up in the hoosgow wearing each others’ Vickie Secrets and smelling of bad gin. And for the longest time people made a wide berth around me whenever I went shopping for office supplies and kept calling me Lascivious Lynn.

I have no idea what that was about, but since I’m reaching my damn-near-mid-fifties, I’ll try for something more sedate.


Happy Father’s Day!

June 18, 2010

To all those wonderful dads out there – I’m sending y’all great big hugs. But first, I’m gonna bug out of town to hug my own dad because he rocks it.


“Can I have your book?”

June 15, 2010

Jane Author shifts uncomfortably and wishes daggers upon the eyes of her acquaintance. “Uh, here’s where you can BUY it.”

Intern has a good post about acquaintances putting authors on the spot for a freebie book. As a writer and publisher, I’m familiar with the woe-is-me-I’d-love-to-read-your-book-but-I’m-saving-for-that-trip-to-Bermuda. I always have a stack of my author’s books in the trunk of my car because I do a lot of speaking at local libraries and bookstores and display them them to show off my authors’ brilliance and bitchen covers. I’ve had a number of people come up after my seminars and ask if they could have a book. One pushy woman had the temerity to insist that we “published it for pennies, so why not give a few away?” This is after I’ve already had a drawing where I did give away a couple free books.

Wha’? Is she barking mad? Of course, I don’t expect her to know that I’ve already “given away” hundreds of books to reviewers, media, publicists, but I would expect Madame DingbatEmptyWallet to appreciate that we’re in the business to SELL books. Like, for profit. That’s how we keep the beagle in designer tequila and our authors from storming the castle.

As Intern so aptly states, one wouldn’t ask a barber, all whistlely-like, “ssssay, where would I go for a shave?”expecting the barber to trip over himself begging to give Mr. Hairball a free shave.

Given the nature of how some people have devolved over the years, it’s now perfectly normal to want something for nothing – no matter how abhorrent this still-old-fashioned-gal finds the idea. Begging is plain rude. Expecting a handout is presumptuous. Authors, you don’t get a ton of freebie books – usually around 20-50-ish, right? – and you’re going to hand those puppies out to your nearest and dearest.

Over the years, authors have shared with me their various replies to Mr. or Ms. Handout-itis:

The worst:

Question: Can I have a free copy of your book? I’m hurting for money and can’t afford to buy it.

Answer: I noticed you have a brand new iPhone, you just got back from two weeks in Hawaii, and, ooo, nice diamond tennis bracelet. Bite me. Buy a copy like everyone else. [this is a good way to have people start saying nasty things about you.]

Better:

Question: Can I have a free copy of your book? I’m hurting for money and can’t afford to buy it.

Answer: Sure! Can I borrow your Mercedes for the week? I’m dying to go to Vegas and blow my advance on the slots. [I have to admit that it's probably not much better than the first one, but I appreciate the symmetry and the author's fast-charging cerebellum]

The best:

Question: Can I have a free copy of your book? I’m hurting for money and can’t afford to buy it.

Answer: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, but I ran clean out of copies. But here’s where you may buy it. [this gives the idea that had the author still possessed freebies, she'd happily hand one over to Ms. Cheapiepants - which we all know is a steaming pile of yak dootie]

Lastly, don’t let anyone rude themselves out to you [yes, I'm creating new verbs as I type]. You worked insanely hard to get where you are, and you don’t owe anyone a free anything. Be prepared for the lop-headed boor who asks for a free copy because it’s a guar-an-tee that at some point, someone will.

Pinky swear.


A warm and hearty welcome to Kim Michele Richardson

June 13, 2010

When Kim Richardson’s lovely agent contacted me about her story, The Unbreakable Child, I was prepared to reject it. I really wanted to because it went against everything I don’t do – child abuse and previously published books.

Stories of child abuse tears my blackened, shriveled heart clean out of its housing. I can’t imagine the sick and twisted depravity required to brutalize an innocent child, let alone a whole orphanage. Sorry, but I believe child abusers should be put to death – the more painfully done, the better. There is no middle ground for me, and I remain unapologetic for my views. I don’t care what kind of childhood they had, nor do I care that they’re “misunderstood.” They’ve ripped the innocence from a child in the most heinous and atrocious manner. It’s the reason I don’t do abuse books. I have absolutely no objectivity.

“Yah,” sez l’ agent extraordinaire, “I know all that. Shaddap and read it.” As one who usually does as she’s told when uttered from agents she respects, I dropped what I was doing and read it.

Holy. Good. Jumpin’. Frogtails.

My heart exploded and rested on my sleeve for the duration. Kim was one of many orphans who were subjected to unspeakable abuse at the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth at the St. Thomas/St. Vincent Orphanage in rural Kentucky. Her story goes back and forth between her time in the orphanage and the resulting class action lawsuit nearly forty years later. Kim’s journey is nothing short of incredible, amazing, unbelievable, and heroic.

Heroic, you ask? Oh yeah. While many buckled under the weight of what befell them by those twisted carrion who hid behind their rosaries, Kim stood resolute and knew that her soul would never be broken. She stood strong and managed to accomplish the improbable:  She survived and thrived. And forgave.

What impressed me about Kim’s book is that it isn’t an angry book. It’s a book about forgiving the unforgivable. It’s about redemption.

As much as I didn’t want to read this book, there was something about it that kept calling to me. Every lunch break I took, I found myself curiously eager to whip out my Kindle and read more pages. My lunch breaks got longer and longer, which irritated the beagle because it forced her to cover the phones. I can’t explain the power this book had over me.

I finished and knew I had to have it. This book is HUGE and vitally important – especially in light of the fact that the lawyer who successfully prosecuted the orphanage is the very one who is suing the Vatican. Survivors need to know that this horrendous blemish on the Catholic Church isn’t going to go away – no matter how long the Pope dodges issuing a proper apology to those who suffered for so long.

So I did a very uncharacteristic thing. I changed my mind. I called and insisted that the agent was right – this belongs with us.

So, a warm and hearty welcome, Kim. You’re a brave, beautiful, brilliant woman who has one hell of a story. I’m only too honored to be a part of it, and I bow before your amazing life. I know, sounds schlocky, but it’s true. What you’ve been through is the stuff nightmares are made of, yet you punched out on the other side. This is a big inspiration to those who feel they’re still drowning.

I’m honored to be your  forever home for your amazing book – which is due out in October.


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